Where I (Dana) am at right now...

Well as some may have noticed I am way behind on keeping up with this blog. I had been having a bit of a rough patch but I feel like I am finally starting to get back on track. I have been feeling so overwhelmed and really not knowing where to start, so I am just going to go for it the best I can...

Ability camp really took it's toll on me. I spent most of the time being either really sad or REALLY angry. I was forced to deal with a lot during my time there. It was the first time since Ryder's diagnosis and even Wyatt's passing that I really had time to myself. Too much time if you ask me. Although we were kept very busy and worked our butts off, as soon as Ryder went down for the night I was alone. No cell reception, many times no internet and just a stupid calling card that I was too cheap to use. I learnt a lot about myself and I really do believe I came out a different person. It became so aware to me that I have lost "myself" completely. Perhaps I am still here a little in the physical sense but for the most part the old me has vanished. Losing a child then learning your surviving child has a life long disability is a hard pill to swallow. Then you throw moving away from everyone and everything you have ever known and loved really puts a spin on the already sensitive situation.

I use to enjoy being me.... Going out with friends, finding fun things to do, listening to music etc. I use to care how I looked and tried to do things for myself that made me feel good. I would get my hair done, go out with my girls, go shopping for myself. Now it seems I don't do anything. I haven't done anything in that list in a very long time and that really needs to change. I have absolutely no balance in my life anymore. I have condensed all my time and energy and put all the focus on Ryder. Nothing else seems to matter to me. I cant even describe the immense pressure I have put on myself to make sure I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to make sure Ryder will walk some day. I want so badly for him to lead an as "normal" life as he wants to and not have to be excluded from anything he wants to do. When I think of doing something for me then look at him I just dont care about me anymore. He is the very most important person in my life and I need to somehow learn how to merge the old me with the new to become the very best Mommy/Wife/Friend/Daughter/Sister/Auntie/Granddaughter possible.

I apologize to anyone who I may have neglected in some way in the past couple years. I know that's very broad but trust me when I say, the guilt lies very heavy on my heart. It has been suggested and now I am starting to believe that maybe I was/am "stuck" in my grieving process. I bounce around a bit but I have never fully came to terms with the (to me) recent events that life put on my lap. I believe I am also just "stuck" on me. I am constantly feeling sorry for myself and comparing every situation to mine. I find myself unable to have any empathy for anyone whose story isn't as sad as mine. Who is this person?! UGh!!!! I am SO ready  to move forward and  accept that this is my life. I know first hand how short this life can be. There is no time not make the best of it.

Wyatt will always be in my heart and I wont EVER stop missing him. Ryder will always have CP and we will always work our butts off to provide for him and push him to be reach his very best potential. I will always put my needs somewhere below the others I love but I just need to make sure to take some time for myself to make sure I don't do another disappearing act.

Feels good to get that out :) Now back to Ryder!!!